The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
