The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
