do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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