I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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