I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
