how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
