just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
