You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize