I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just found puke in my bra..
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
