He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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