woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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