Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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