On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
FUCK WHALES
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
