it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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