I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
