I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
