Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
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