Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
