So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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