No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
