I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
