Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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