Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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