if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
