a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
