i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Come see our sink grown plant.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
