When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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