Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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