At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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