I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize