I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
my liver is dry heaving
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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