I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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