I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Watching her eat just hurts me
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
