I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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