I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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