I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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