is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
