she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
