can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
