mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I have already put on my inside pants.
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