when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
