My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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