I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
