Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
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