I heard we made out
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
worst night to have a conscience
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
