Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
