Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize