I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
dude. I can hear the air.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
