I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
