My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize