Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
