If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
