You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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