I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
